


Cool Hawke has Chill Day: Hawke Gets Arrested

by Mème Brûlée (trixsters)



Series: Cool Hawke has Chill Day [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 21:23:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5307332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixsters/pseuds/M%C3%A8me%20Br%C3%BBl%C3%A9e
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aveline finally gets fed up with Money Hawke's shit and decides to arrest him, and it's up to Asshat to stop her</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cool Hawke has Chill Day: Hawke Gets Arrested

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually written around New Year's either on 12/31/14 or 1/1/15 and I just forgot to upload it. Here it is! In this chapter, things start to get interesting ^w^

One day the adopted elf Hawke siblings, Cool Hawke and Money Hawke, took a trip to the Viscount's Keep to fuck with Top Kirkwall Mama Aveline. Money Hawke calmly strode over to Aveline and began smiling smugly.

"So, Aveline." He drawled coolly. "How come I haven't been arrested yet? Are you bad at your job?"

"Shut up, Money" Aveline snorted in irritation. "How come you aren't as cool as Cool?" Aveline gestured over to Cool Hawke, who was straight up eating some Havarti cheese. Like just the cheese itself. Not even with anything. Just straight up biting right out of a block of cheese.

"How bad me be?" Money scoffed. "If I'm so bad why don't you arrest me?" Money Hawke smoothly pointed out. He knew he was right.

Aveline wasn't having any of that meme shit. She busted out the handcuffs and arrested Money Hawke, right on the spot. Money gasped. "No wait SHIT I DIDN'T MEAN THIS. WHAT THE FUCK! WHY ARE YOU OPPRESSING ME AND MY RIGHT TO MEME!"

Just then, Anders showed up. "Did someone say oppression? Rights?" He scanned the guard barracks very closely and keenly glared at Aveline.

Meanwhile, Cool Hawke, who was still there, straight up eating so much cheese. Alistair is no longer the cheese king of cheese castle. Cool is. So anyway, Cool looked to the left to see Anders. "Hey," she sneered, "What the fuck? Filthy mage, why are you here?" Cool was just about to drop the cheese. Until suddenly….there was a wave of conflicted emotion. She began sweating. "No wait shit…fuck…Anders is a shit mage but like….."

Anyway, Money, who wasn't going to be having this shit (both the mage-fucker, mage, AND being arrested) tried to slyly combat roll away. However, he ended up rolling right into Anders. Anders glared with his eyelashless eyes.

"Fuck off, Anders." Aveline rolled her eyes. "You need not involve yourself in this. This is a duty of the Kirkwall guard." she say matter-of-factly.

But Anders was having none of that. "No. No. You are infringing on poor Money Hawke's right to meme." The renegade mage defended.

"Thank you Anders," Money cleared his throat, looking the mage straight in the eye. "But you're still shit. You're Cool's problematic fave."

Anders couldn't believe it. "No….NO!" Everyone braced themselves. After going through all the SHIT the Hawkes gave him, was he finally about to lose control of Justice? But then…he started to cry.

"Okay like…I'm sorry? I never meant to hurt anyone I swear it was just subconscious, I'm possessed ok? And like…now everyone is sending me anon hate? I don't understand. I'm sorry." The ruggedly handsome renegade mage with chestnut orbs sighed deeply; he was truly a pure soul plagued with a dark taint. He looked deeply into everyone's eyes and once again began shedding beautiful tears. Beautiful, troubled tears, which Money Hawke was now collecting in a jar to use as a deep cleansing face wash.

But just then…..the dreaded, fantastic eldest brother Asshat Hawke, crashed in through the ceiling, crushing Anders and killing him all at once. He was wearing a red suave bathrobe, fuzzy pink socks, and bunny slippers, as well as a pair of star-shaped sunglasses. "What the fuck do you MEAN Money got arrested?!" He screeched, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Not this sit again, Hawke." Aveline glared at Asshat, shaking her head. "Stay out of this" she warned.

"But my sweet gingerbread lady," Asshat cooed, "just let my brother go. He is an innocent. We have already killed off a major character in the third chapter," he pointed out, looking at Anders's crushed body. "We do not need more bloodshed."

"Fine," Aveline eventually agreed. "You can have Money. Just make sure he doesn't meme on me anymore."

The Hawkes were then free to go, all of them walking out of the Viscount's Keep laughing over what a chill day they just had. And that is how this chapter closes to a happy end.

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…But then…in the rubble of the guard captain's office….Anders awoke.

 

Deus ex Anders…..mage revolution…..this time it's Personal.


End file.
